Quotes: Season 3

Calm Waters (7/4/21)
''The Sages undergo a surprisingly uneventful voyage out to sea, with the worst of their trials being sea sickness and in-party mischief. And they finally arrive at Baldur's Gate, arriving at the destination on Marquez Oberon's letters...and finding themselves at Baldur's Gate's High Hall.''

Damien: I was gifted with natural talent, so I’m cursed to have an idiot follow me around.

Armand: Insight check -- is Sir Steven racist?!

* Sage throws the disembodied head of his tiny servant that Damien cast Magic Mouth on*

Duke Oberon (7/11/21)
''Meeting with Duke Oberon, instead of her radiant brother Diachi she finds the cold and curt Duke Marquez Oberon. Insisting he's acting on Diachi's behalf, he invites the Sages to stay at his estate in the Upper Ring. There, they prepare for a "test of loyalty" to earn the chance for The Tower to see her family again.''

The turtle that Tower Wheel of Fortune’d became turtle soup

Cal: May I have some gold, my liege?

Tower: Consider this your self-evaluation. How much gold do you think you deserve, my squire?

Skuda to the steward: Yes, all of the mattresses. It’s like a sleepover thing. Yes, we’re all very insecure. We’ll shit ourselves if we don’t.

Damien, sending to Dr. Pennyfarthing: Greetings, old man!

Presenting: Kydil Darkstar and His Demon Grinder (7/18/21):
''Attending the demonstration at the Hall of Wonders at the behest of Duke Oberon, the Sages come face-to-face with an invention of dastardly and unholy means: the Demon Grinder. Kydil Darkstar, its inventor, shows off the machine for public view while bragging that the Emperor himself will come claim it for himself. The Sages must figure out how they will heist the machine out of Baldur's Gate before then. Before the end of the night, the Tower and Arcturus confront each other--and challenge each other to a duel on Duke Oberon's estate.''

Delilah: Dr. Pennyfarthing, would you take our items home?

Dr. P: Would you say...this is a quest?

Damien: Brugo, would you like to--

Skuda: HE’S TAKEN, JACKASS.

* as Delilah speaks with a group of nobility*

Delilah: *whispering to Cal* Cal.

Cal: Yes?

Delilah: Save me.

Cal: DELILAH, MY KNIGHT--

Delilah: AH YES, I MUST ASSIST MY SQUIRE.

*after they leave and eat strawberries at the table, Delilah looks up to see Arcturus staring intensely at her*

Delilah: This party is my nightmare.

Kydil and Arcturus and Twig and Molly and-- ( 7/25/21)
''Later that night, Kydil visits Oberon's guest estate for a drink. The Sages butter him up with alcohol, easing vulnerable information about the Demon Grinder out of him (such as its vulnerability to cold, and that the Emperor is arriving early to pick it up). The next morning, Arcturus arrives for his duel--only for Tower to refuse fighting him, her heart conflicted as she faces her family once more. Before leaving, he urges Tower to join his side so they made be a family again. But her heart is swayed in the other direction when she learns that he and Twig embrace Balashov's teachings, and follow Ikaris for his might.''

''As the Tower recovers from her duel, the rest of the Sages meet with the "Truthdiggers," a motley crew with connections to Sage's past. They entreat him to help them heist the Grinder so they might use it to overthrow Duke Gonzago in Gonzago City.''

Kydil Darkstar: “That gin was great”

Matthias: “DM, that was water right?”

DM: “Yes."

* Tower's "duel" with Arcturus*

* Armand puts a mirror under the door to see inside*

A few minutes later, the people inside put a mirror under the door to see inside.

Truthdigger: “We’re part of Mollys resistance.”

Sage: “Mollys...what?”

Truthdigger: “...Mollys resistance.”

* paper ball hits him on the head*

Truthdigger: “We’re working...on stealing the demon grinder.”

Sage: “Oh wow.”

Truthdigger: “I know.”

Durenbald's Sheep (8/22/21)
''The Sages perform reconnaissance on the Hall of Wonders. They dot their i's and cross their t's as they prepare for the operation. Their plan: they've leaked information of a private tour to Paladin Jacques Dedampiere, a zealot knight leading a pious crowd in demanding the Grinder be destroyed. While the Paladin leads the masses into the Hall of Wonders, the Sages will infiltrate via the sewers and use the rioting as a mask for their entrance. Then, once they've reached the Grinder, they will 1. Reduce 2. Animate Object 3. Polymorph and 4. Teleport away the Grinder.''

''They will empower House Byron with the Grinder in their war against House Cecil. Let's see if they can pull it off...''

Damien: “I’m gonna be redpepper.”

Sage: “Can I be nutmeg?”

Sewage Guild Worker: How nice did you think the Sewage Guild would be?

Sage: It sounds pretty crappy-- heh ha!

Durenbald: DURENBALDS SHEEP! *to sage* Come on, give it a little something, damn you.

Party: SHEEP! SHEEP! SHEEP! SHEEP!

Heartily Booging the Grinder (9/5/21)
''It's the day of the operation. With Armand masquerading as a fellow paladin of Jacques's, he helps rile up the masses. Meanwhile, the rest of the Sages infiltrate, with only minor obstacles in the sewers. Once they convene around the Grinder, they find themselves face to face with Kydil and his security. Armand easily dispatches Kydil, and the rest of the Sages eliminate the security. With their magical plan, they secure the Grinder and teleport away to House Byron!''

Delilah: We shall heartily boog on this operation.

Skuda: I’m back in, because you said “heartily boog.”

Armand: MORALS NOT DEMONS!

Crowd: Morals not demons! Morals not demons!

DM: The Ubermensch punches a fist through the iron gate. “WHO DARES?!”

Kal: Can I yell “Charge!” and see what Jacques does?

Welcome to House Byron |The Fates: Diachi, Ziggbax, and Hieronymous (9/12/21)
''The Sages finally arrive at House Byron. The Sages meet Sir Steven's family--and much to their surprise (and Sir Steven's), Lord Cole Byron is ready to surrender to House Cecil. Lord Byron names the Sages as Ambassadors in his name, but there is no fire in his heart as he grants them the right to act in his name.''

''Duke Oberon also arrives--along with his mysterious guard and an unknown old man bearing gifts. Duke Oberon reveals himself as Diachi; the guard as Ziggbax, and the old man as Hieronymous, all brothers of the Tower. They entreat her to join them in a hidden location, where she will keep her real body safe and have a simulacrum travel with the Sages instead. The Tower refuses, unable to feel justified in having earned a place by her family yet. So Diachi provides her with a list of their family, with the Tower resolving to join her brothers once she is able to find more of her family.''

* Delilah grapples the Iron Golem and blocks a hit with her forearm*

* as we all bathe* Skuda: HEY! WE’RE ALL NAKED NOW! Ha…

Skuda: “My fellow woman understands. Sometimes you need a man's ham!”

Damien: *writing in his libretto* Villain: Lord Hamgrease?

Business Deals with Lord Jasper (9/19/21)
''The Sages strike a deal with Lord Jasper on behalf of House Byron. In exchange for becoming the sole mover of Byron steel (as well as securing some profit), he will economically blacklist House Cecil.''

* the group plays hide and seek on a freelands road with a fairy*

*Giant Fey Boulder gurgles at Armand*

Armand: “You come here often?”

* Brugo, browsing through grappling hooks of immense quality*

Brugo: It appears I’m now down to just under 5,000 gold...

Damien: *with great remorse*  “You'll be destitute soon.”

Skuda: If you say PERCENTAGE one more time, I’ll kill you!

* Armand and Damien learn advanced economic theory for FOUR HOURS*

Berrun's Threat (9/26/21)
''The Sages must confront the unholy nature of the Grinder as Lord Jasper excuses them from his estate, disgusted by the presence of the soul coins in their inventories. As the Sages continue to build their pieces against House Cecil, they're confronted with a mysterious golden individual calling himself "Berrun," who also demands that the Sages rid themselves of their "evil." When they refuse to, Berrun reveals his true form: a golden dragon.''

''Though they enter combat, Tower urges him to enter a parlay. They plead their case, and Berrun allows them 24 hours before he will come and raze Byron lands if they still haven't destroyed the Grinder.''

Skuda to Johnny: SO YOU’RE THE BUTTER BOY!

*With Berrun right in front of her, Tower asks to parlay and offers a platinum from her "horde."*

Commoner Child: HELP!

*Cyclops immediately smushes it*

Ron: *designing the nightmare* Their cocks will become their balls!

At the Table With Lord Liam Cecil (10/3/21)
''The night before their diplomatic talks with Lord Liam, they design a nightmare for Brice Cecil. Should diplomacy with Liam fail, the Sages plan to stir intra-House conflict by leveraging Brice Cecil's position as the "rightful heir" to House Cecil.''

However, through a combination of their rigorous preparation and Damien's silver tongue, they are able to convince Lord Liam to sign a peace treaty and return stolen Byron lands in exchange for being taken off the economic blacklists and cooperatively turning the Demon Grinder over to the Order of Oaths to be destroyed.

Armand: “Empty coffers”

Delilah: “Starving masses”

Armand: “Woah, we’re going freeform here”

Delilah: “It’s like jazz. Nightmare jazz”

Lord Liam: “Why should I consider your terms?”

* summon demon grinder*

Delilah: “For your consideration.”

To the Sages! (10/10/21)
''Fresh off their diplomatic success, Sir Steven invites the Sages to a nearby lake for some fun. After some lighthearted fun, Steven offers them a choice: be knighted in the name of House Byron at a formal ceremony later, or ride off with satchels full of gold with no obligation to House Cecil. The Sages all accept, and attend a gala with all of their friends in attendance. They are publicly knighted in the name of House Byron and gifted incredible gifts by Lord Byron himself. A wonderful win for sure.''

“*Lady Elise leaves*

Skuda: Wow, that was--

Tower: *vomits*

DM: “SIR STEVEN! *vomits* WE’RE HERE TO SAVE YOU!”

Matthias: “Steven’s war on women continues!”

Armand: You said she’s a homely woman? Is she bald?

Damien: She’s a monk!

Damien: You’re a bit of a cad, you know that?

Armand: Thank you.

The Ceremony Attendees:“”To the Sages!” Everyone raises their blades in our name.

The Gumbo Party (10/17/21)
Relaxing and training in Mangold before they depart for the Republic once more, the Sages take this chance to commiserate with the townfolk.

Damien: I put on my nighttime perfume, then take off my daytime perfume.

Tower: Wait, you put on your nighttime perfume, THEN take off your daytime perfume?

DM as lil boy *deep voice*: “Dear Mother: Today, I put a knight in their place…”

Armand, flipping his visor down: Take your bets! Do you got the orcish dwarf or the goddamned Tower?

Armand to Skuda: I won’t forget what your ancestors did while I was in a bush.

Lady Isabel's Hospitality (10/24/21)
''On their way to Baldur's Gate to charter a ship back to Aprenditis Arcamedis, the Sages are intercepted by House Spencer representatives. Lady Isabel has extended an invitation for the Sages to her castle in New Hope. Accepting, they meet the Lady and, after some good old fashioned Free Lands hospitality, accept two quests: to discourage her daughter, Sir Reagan, from pursuing an adventurer's life; and to investigate some abandoned mines currently being explored by some Poisoned Mountain dwarves.''

Tower: Perhaps stories of combat will be of interest to you, Lady Isabel.

Lady Isabel: Oh I would be delighted to hear it.

Tower: Here is a tale from our basilisk fight. First, I swung three times with my axe. Then I took five steps to the right. I swung twice more, then took a step to the left.

Armand: Remember when our journey almost ended with a flautist?

Tower: A what?

Armand: A flautist?

Tower: A who? *rubs scar* I’ve never been close to dying.

Tower: “You honor us with your cardamom.”

A Duel to the Death (10/31/21)
''On their way to Annika, the Sages encounter Lord John Russell--who issues a challenge of a duel to the death. The Sages accept, and after venturing to Annika, begin the duel to the death against Lord John Russell and his cadre: a mysterious druid, a stalwart knight, and Lord John's brother, Lord Eric. Will the Sages survive?''

A Bloody Victory on Armistice Day (11/7/21)
''The Sages come out of the duel victorious. Having slain the Russell brothers, as well as incapacitating Courlemange the Druid and Sir Galt, they leave Annika. They abandon Lady Isabel's quest in favor of fleeing toward Baldur's Gate. With bounty hunters hot on their tail, they navigate the Free Lands. And, to their surprise, in the middle of the night they are greeted by 7 of the 9 Divines with a message: 3 mortals will be chosen as the gatekeepers of Quintin's Solar Laser. They will hold the power of using the Solar Laser in their judgments. And after the party members are each given chances to ask the 9 Divine three yes or no questions, they all wake up the next day with different reactions to their newfound information: Damien enlivened, Armand cautious, Brugo levelheaded, and The Tower infuriated.''

Tower: “Hello my fellow slug!” *slashes*

* Damien spends several minutes telepathically communicating with Armand before turning to go to bed.*

Tower: Wait, Damien, what’s going on?

Bucephalus looking up: “I dreamt as well.”

Tower: Should we proceed without him?

Armand, confused: The Protector?

Matthias: I have no scruples anymore! Human ammunition it is!

Armand: Since it’s raining, can I use my ring of water walking to fly?

Brugo: This town is full of sorcerers born with magic.*I* had to *work* for it.

The Tower: Armand, if I were to expose myself to small amounts of your poison, would I gain immunity?

Armand: Well, you might just die...

The EyYyYYYEEEEE!!! (11/14/21)
''The Sages encounter the Witch of Merlind...a warlock by the name of Joni! With her powers drawn from her patron, a memory-consuming eldritch being named "The Eye," they embark once more on their path toward Baldur's Gate.''

*Brugo, swapping arcane knowledge with Joni.*

Brugo: It takes most men two years to develop a single cantrip..I do it in two days.

*Damien, facilitating the Sages’ departure from Merlin, speaks to Armand and Brugo*

Damien: Anyone need anything from the local general store? Provisions? Rations? Scented Soaps?

Armand, eyes flaring: -think they have any DROW ARROWS!?

Damien, arms akimbo: Somehow, I doubt it.

''*The Sages trundle through Merlin, with Joni in tow. The humble townsfolk wave to their beloved healer*''

Joanie: Howdy phil!

Phil: Hi Joni!

Damien, with aplomb: ...Greetings, Phil!

Phil: ...uhh..h-hello sir knight...

*Brugo, dismounting his horse*

Brugo: Time to head inside..Hello Phil!

Phil: Uhh-wha-Hello?!

Armand: Can you.....kill the eye!?

Damien, looking at the small trinkets and belongings of the dead nobles: The eccentricities of a life.

Everyone, at some point during the session: THE EEEYYYYEE!

Brothers in Baldur's Gate (11/21/21)
''The Sages finally reach Baldur's Gate once more. After notifying House Vamas that their fellow Thriltuin has been relieved of his affliction, they journey back to Duke Oberon's estate with the intention of requesting assistance in procuring a cleric. But they're shocked by the news that one of the Tower's siblings--a pyromancer by the name of Quinn--has left Ziggbax in a coma. The Sages temporarily pause their journey to the Everglacier as they prepare to take down a former god, with the Tower resolving to kill her brother after seeing Ziggbax's charred, comatose state.''

Armand, staring at the ungodly chain creature: Tower, do you think we should engage this creature...You can say no, it’s okay!

Armand: Actually, our tagline is--and i’m so glad you asked--

Armand: Can I be blue hawk?

Damien: No.

Armand: Alright, because it’s your birthday.

Narrator: “Big zig! As they called him in the wine business.”

Matthias: “Notorious Z.i.g.”

Hieronymus to joni: “You’re young and arrogant, i like that!

Hieronymus: “I’m confident I'm better at magic than anyone else in the room!”

How Do You Kill a Pyromancer In a Crowded City? (12/5/21)
The Sages put their heads together to find the best strategy for defeating Quinn.

Tower: I’ve never met a John.

Brugo: We killed a John!

The Poop Zone (12/12/21)
''After some strategizing and scouting, the Sages decide upon their plan: to draw Quinn out of hiding, they will have the Tower contact him at his altar in Twin Songs. From there, they will goad him into a Return circle leading to an empty field where they will quickly engage him in combat. After Damien attends his church's services, Tower and Armand go to the Undercellar to purchase some items for their fight against Quinn. There, they reunite with Tyd! After a brief catch-up, Tyd connects them with Turik Widehand, a life cleric excommunicated from the Church of Gaia for selling body parts to necromancers. The Sages hire him for their journeys!''

Woman: thanks honey, are you sure you’re–?

Kethwu (Tower): ESMERELDAAAAAAA

Cleric of the Scholar (trying to get Brugo's attention) : ex…excuse me….excuse me….EXCuse me, good sir….excuse me…..excuse me…

Quelling Quinn: Part I (12/19/21)
''The Sages finish their strategy: disseminate word that the Sages are "in need of a warrior seasoned against aberrations," while Torric puts out word of moving a big product with godly implications. This is with the hope of implying to Quinn that the Tower is being sold by a vengeful illithid. However, despite their lengthy planning, their strategy goes out the window when Quinn bursts onto the scene, flying, laser vision ablazing...''

Joni:  as joni’s eyebrows crease in concern–

Torrik: he nods approvingly without cause for concern.

Torrik: In my line of work..(Wistfully)...if you can kill a man quickly-

Torrik: your hostage keeper could be your mother-

Tower: I have no mother, I sprang from the ether!

Torrik: riggghhhht-

Quelling Quinn: Part II (1/2/22)
''In the burning heap of the factory, Quinn meteor swarms the factory and departs. Battered and bruised, the Sages march on and recover from their losses. Propoganda proliferates through Baldur's Gate and the Sages have earned the public's trust as they rally against Quinn, mistakenly identifying him as Ikaris. Brugo also now puts forth that Yhgoush is planning to steal from his father's estate, and insists they go to Haven to recover his birthright.''

Torrik: your elven economy boggles my dwarven mind.

Fuck Bureaucracy, Part II: Paperwork Boogaloo A.K.A. Welcome to Haven (1/9/22)
''The Sages say goodbye to Baldur's Gate, and are teleported by Hieronymous to Haven! There, they reacquaint themselves with the red tape and bureaucracy of the Republic. Armand and Joni are briefly incarcerated, but the Sages eventually make their way to the castle where they meet His Royal Highness, Prince Francis Branson. He is unhappy with their answers around politics and allegiance (especially Tower, who asks for titles after not pledging allegiance to the Republic) but happily invites them to a jousting tournament. Meanwhile, they plot on how to steal Brugo's birthright: a magic artifact that can summon a Myrmidon.''

Damien: Can I take a little eraser and scoop the magic off the floor?

Armand, In prison once again: “I sing internally, ‘Noooooboooooddyyyyy knooooows...the trouble I’ve seeeeen”

Tower, to the incarcerated Jerry the Bard: “ya know...just say the word *points to dog with hat* I can take him if you need-”

Jerry: “wha-no. *Flip off tower twice* Fuck you man”

Tower: *Double birds on the way out of jail*

Damien: “We are the Sages and we’ve been given two choices before, and gave ourselves a third.”

Torrik: You eat like a dwarf, Joni!

Joni: Don’t flatter yourself, I eat like me.

Damien, Deeply Perturbed: “Rarely am I rebuked upon offer of cinnamon!”

Ron: Why don’t we seduce the traps?

Verreth, Peyton, and Matthias, staggered: Ooo, Mr. Traps!

Sweet Lady Law(1/16/22)
''While Armand prepares for a heist of the Novotsk estate, the Tower brings the Sages to the library to research inheritance law. There, Damien discovers a loophole that can allow Brugo to legally obtain his birthright. Damien also brings the group in contact with Fitzroy, an Office of Shadow bureaucrat who helps them legally pave the way to Brugo's inheritance. Now well within their rights to search the estate, Damien and Brugo use their arcane abilities to discover Baldanroor's Private Sanctum. Which is full of the bounty they seek.''

Armand leans in and whispers to Joni: Can you…can you make poison in there?

Brugo: “Not like the kind of frilly aprons that a maid would wear?”

Armand: “You need to go to horny jail.”

Tower tries to shove a cob of corn into Torrik’s beard

Torrik, jokingly: “If I could bear to be in the same room as Tower–”

Lady Cornbeard, upset-ly: “I already said my apologies, Torrik, please.”

Armand, about the law: OOH BABY I MISSED THIS SHIT!

Fitzgerald *robotic voice*: This is surely the second best day of my life. Thank you for returning, best friend.

Tower turning the library inside out: There’s not one single secret passage inside this entire damn library?!

*slowly turns to look at the fireplace* *cut to Brugo*

Haven's Battles & the Prince's Joust (1/23/22)
''As the Sages go to leave Baldanroor's estate with Brugo's inheritance in hand, Sergeant McHugh and the Exiled Order beseech them to relieve the items to them. Refusing to yield, the Sages defeat them in combat. Shortly thereafter Damien and Tower participate in the Prince's joust just outside of Haven. Though Tower places 4th overall, the most impressive feat is when Damien dismounts Prince Frances Branson II, joining a legendary few warriors who have managed such a feat.''

Tower: “Brugo, does your father have any secret passageway-what am I saying, WHERE IS HIS PASSAGEWAY!?”

Brugo: I drag her by the chest plate-

Tower: MY BOSOM!!

Joni escaping the estate: “FREE LANDS FOR LIFE, BITCHES!”

Herbert : “You want me to fuck ya?”

Tower: “...What?”

Herbert: “I’m Sir Herbert Strickland and I’ll fuck ya.”

Damien *toasting* : To the future.

Brugo *toasting* : To the future.